AA tube adverts 

So, got on the tube today (rate experience) and AA now have adverts up. Gave me goosebumps. Tag line was ‘is alcohol costing you more than money?’ I wondered what I would have thought if I’d seen them in my drinking days. Probably would have had me holding back tears. I hope they help people… I think they will.. they are aimed at women – in their 20s/30s. Interesting.. 
Also a couple of ‘Go sober for October’ charity adverts. I’m still not, and never been a fan of sobriety months. The focus on being sober as such a shit challenge/thing to do where as sobriety is fucking awesome! Ha! 

But even when I drank they always rubbed me the wrong way, not because I ‘knew’ (thought) I couldn’t do it, but I figured, either it was easy (my friend shocked me when she did it and said ‘to be honest it was a piece of piss’ (a very weird expression!) or it would be so hard that actually a month off without focusing on the real issues, but doing it for charity, was missing the point… 

Overthink? Me? Never … 😉

I leave London on Tuesday. It’s been so so manic. Generally good, but so off balance and either exhausted or hyper. But it will even out, just the nature of moving and having a million things to do and people to see. Generally I’m good. I’m sober. And hanging out with my mum a lot 💕😊
Need to catch up with posts on here! Xx

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No idea what to call this.

I was looking forward to today. Yoga in the morning, local lunch with a friend. Lots of free time to just do as I pleased. I ended up crying for around 5 hours. Then I guess another hour more. I feel torn apart inside.

Did anything major happen? Nope. I don’t even know what triggered it. But a little disagreement with my parents led to hours of thinking I am so disillusioned in who I think I am, and what others think I am – and then, what was the fucking point of it all. What was the point of trying so damn hard for so damn long. ‘You try too hard.’ Clearly, not enough if I’m still not the person I’m trying to be, or even thought I was.  Trying to justify my emotions, I don’t even want to talk about – I just wanted to be. My parents haven’t done anything wrong today. I guess I just feel like I did it all wrong. My life. Even though throughout the whole fucking thing I’ve tried so hard to make the most of it all. Always. Sadly, a lot of that involved getting through with an alcohol crutch, but it was still trying. And worked to a certain extent. I got degrees, held jobs, people were surprised I gave up booze, so clearly, fronting it up okay. Going to a fucking shitty boarding school – did they even miss me? Or was it just me crying every fucking day on the other side of the world.

I’m so fucking lonely. I had a dream the other night someone held me. Not even hugged, held. Fuck. I forgot that it was even a thing – it’s been so long. I remember it being really nice.

In the discussions my Mum said she hoped I wasn’t running away (from London) and I don’t think I am, but it made me think.. so fucking what if I was? What is here aside from my parents and my cat? I just feel so disconnected from the city. It’s a great one, and one I was such a part of, but not any more. Why not run. I know all too well all my thoughts and demons would be coming with me, so why not try a sunnier location? I’m a little scared, because if this doesn’t work too well – I don’t know what there is for me. I wanted to drink today. I’ve thought about it a lot more recently. But ultimately I know it makes NOTHING better. And that makes me feel even fucking worse. Even my old mate drink can’t help me now.

My eyes hurt so much from crying. My heart hurts so much. I feel like such a fuck up. I know that sounds so melodramatic and teenage, but that’s me, apparently. What hurts the most is that I think I upset my parents. They are upset they upset me. And I hate that. I told them they wouldn’t have to deal with my shit much longer anyway. So much of this is intertwined with deep, raw emotions from my childhood, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to. I’m leaving soon. I thought I was doing okay, but it feels like lies. I don’t know how I feel. I can’t stop crying.

I’ve realised in the last year or so, so many friendships weren’t built on much – and some only held together by my co-dependency and bending over backwards to try and fit people in. I miss being invited to things. Maybe I can find the strength to start again. Be that better me. Right now, I don’t think I can. I want to lay down and surrender. But maybe I should just surrender to sleep.


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Being ok, but falling apart

The last few months have been insane for me. Leaving work, weddings, intense teaching training course (which lead to binge eating/gaining weight/losing sleep).. but most of all, I have been dealing with, with my therapist, events from my childhood (shock! 😉  ) which it turns out have shaped my life, my personality, my anxiety, my depression, my defensiveness, my fear of abandonment, my fierce independence, amongst other things. I may have mentioned this before. I have no doubt that alcohol addiction also stemmed from this. (I wasn’t abused – just thought I’d say) and I don’t really want to talk about it generally, which is normal I suppose, but its HUGE. Blew my world apart. Which is good, because now I am starting to understand myself. Starting to work out who I really am, and what is a result of trauma and experience and trying to cope. I FINALLY feel I can move forward and realise why, despite feeling so depressed and so manic, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety disorders – even though I clearly suffer badly (or have) from both. To the point of them crippling my life. HUGELY. It now makes sense, that THAT wasn’t what I needed to address. But it’s fucking hard.

And the trouble is, because I don’t want to talk about it AT ALL with most people, I am trying to put on a brave face, where as I’m actually finding day to day texting, communications, planning, etc, really really difficult. I only linked the two yesterday!  All the above (job, course, packing to move to another country) would be stressful and emotional anyway, but opening this Pandoras box that really involves many of the people I care about most in the world, on top of this – wow. It’s hard going. And so I kept trying to say ‘oh I’m stressed cause of the course’ but now I realise it’s not that. It’s because I am re-living trauma, which I need to do, and want to do, but should also be coupled with giving myself time and space. Both of which are severely lacking.

I hope with the realisation that it isn’t the day to day stresses that are making me want to hide from my friends, or being overly sensitive or defensive, that I can address it better. And perhaps be more sensitive for my need just to be alone. IN a sense it’s good timing. Clearing out my room, throwing away (or to charity shops) much of my stuff. Very therapeutic. I don’t know how upfront I will be about this, but at least I don’t feel crazy and as if I’m going backwards, which is how I was feeling. I was at my brothers last week in France and had my phone off completely for 3 days. It was bliss not having to respond to people, think about the outside world, worry if my responses were read the right way, give advice, should I give advice, or feel guilt for not participating in group conversations which largely revolve around booze, hangovers or gossip. None of which interest me  and make me feel very lonely and excluded. I’d rather not be in these groups, but then I feel like I”m being the odd one out. But I kinda always have been, and in a way am okay with that. I don’t want to change me. It’s only when I am true to me that I feel content.

Anyway, I turned it back on and felt panicky. A bad friend, overwhelmed, etc, etc.

I just needed to get this out. I cried all last night. I cried for an hour in therapy today. I feel so fragile. I have my mates wedding tomorrow. I was hoping to be all bubbly today to help with any last minute things, and though I feel like a  terrible friend, others will be doing that and I need to look after myself… And be happy tomorrow. I’ll have no problem putting on a show of happiness and excitement (as I did at the Hen do) but I hope for more, to be present and genuinely able to enjoy the day, of two wonderful wonderful people committing to each other.

Even in comparison to my drinking and my terrible relationship, both of which I covered/hid (of course to myself as well) I feel like this is my biggest cover up. But it needs to be that way. I do have support, but it’s very private and something most people cannot relate to – in fact will have opinions on which only make me feel more misunderstood and isolated. So it has to be this way. But there is so much power in self knowledge. And with that I will move forward.

Thank you. I know it’s not drink related. HA! In fact it is. Of course it is! It all is. Going to the root of what made me feel the need to drink and learn obsessive behaviours from a young age? It’s one and the same.

I am hurting so much right now. But I also feel positive. In that super scary but determined way. So, it’s a little odd. Because I am okay, but I’m also fighting to hold myself together. Ahh humans, we are such a complicated bunch.

Love, peace & solidarity my soberistas & sobermisters! x


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Thank you

So much for your kind, supportive, helpful words. In the last week I finished my job, went to my oldest friends wedding with people from all parts of my life, and started a course for a new career today. So I’m a little emotionally spent and running on empty: but feel okay. Will catch up on here when I get a moment – just needed to say how much strength and comfort your comments gave me. 

Thank you xxx 

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Try not to cry little one 

for everyone so they don’t worry I’m not having a good time cause I’m sober. I wish I could tell someone why I’m not okay and the could understand. I know there’s AA but I’m not like them. I don’t do step 10s. I just say sorry. I don’t need to be powerless. I’m not. I’m so exhausted of feeling so lonely. I have so many people who love me. I know this. I feel this. So why do I feel so lonely. So crippingly lonely. It scares me sometimes. It hurts so much, it’s so deep, I think it will kill me. 

There’s a reason this is so intense today but I don’t want to go into it. Sometimes I don’t want to dissect why I feel something’s. Just acknowledge I do. I even feel guilty for writing as I’ve not been on here much. Left work, huge changes in life. Just been holding on. Huge mood swings.  the ups have been very high. The lows bring instant tears. Like a child. Today I had to leave my friends and cry in a toilet. I felt like I did when I was drinking. Crying then putting on a face. 

I don’t even want strength to get me trough tomorrow. I just want to be content. 

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Grenfell Tower

I don’t know if this tragedy was reported overseas? It’s about 5 mins from where I live – I went down there yesterday and wrote this: 

Grenfell Tower

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This morning I broke the work cafeteirre, my computer and me. Ha. I just feel so heavy and everything is so serious. I’ve been cancelled on twice this week – by the same person. I know she’s having a tough time so I’ll let it slide but I really could have done with human contact and life is me being shit and stressed at work. I HATE work me. My boss swans around laughing and smiling doing fuck all whilst the rest of us (so few doing two -three people’s jobs) are trying so hard but the more I feel I’m drowning the shitter I am at concentrating or actually working and I’m snappy and crap and I hate being this me. Hate it hate it. 

And I’m lonely. And I’m bored. Everything is so serious. Facebook is just everyone ranting. I remember it used to make me laugh. My whatsapp chats – used to be dumb pictures – how everyone is so stressed. Stressed stressed stressed. A stupid umbrella word. 

I’m trying to fill the hole where people and laughter should be with cereal. Late night cereal. And being utterly addicted to Facebook and IG. So I deactivated FB – it won’t be for long – events, overseas mates, but even a week might help my mind a little. Took IG off my phone. 

I feel so full of stuff. I feel hungover from being on my phone. From eating too much cereal. I’m so bored. I want laughter, chat, fun. Life is work crap and being alone. I’m trying. It will pass I know. I just need to write this out somewhere and I don’t want to reach out to my real life friends. They can’t ‘fix’ this. 

I’m seeing my niece and nephew this weekend and hope that takes me out of this for a while. I’m sure cartwheels and Dino chat will help. 

I think I need space but I’m also so lonely. Oh to be human. I can’t remember what it’s like to curl up with someone. To have butterflies. To even really be properly hugged. 

But I’ll hold on. 

Also – got totally addicted (shocking) to 13 reasons why on Netflix. Should a 34 year old relate so much? I guess people is people and emotions are emotions. A couple of scenes were just SO incredibly powerful and raw. Painfully so. 

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