I’ve actually written quite a few entries since my last one. But never got to transferring them from my phone to this blog. I’ve been writing a lot in my paper journal too. Almost every day.
More changes on the horizon for me – big changes workwise, I’ve started playing in a band, I signed up for spartan, I feel like I’m starting to make proper friends, I met this guy on holiday, but not (nothing happened and we don’t live in the same country) and that’s sent me on all sorta crazy and opened up so many old wounds and memories, some good – some bad. I even woke myself up from a dream where my ex fiance and I were throwing knives at each other.
Hmm. This is one of the entries I started writing: Maybe a week ago?
“Mantra – I cannot drink and have the life I want to have. I can drink and have a decent enough life, but not this one.
Met a guy whilst I was away, nothing actually happened, but spent most of our time together for a couple days. There was a connection. He said he regrets not kissing me. He lives in another country, but only for 3 months / then who knows where he will go. He drinks. He eats meat. But I haven’t felt this way for so long. But it’s driving me fucking insane. He’s on my mind all the time. We message occasionally but every time I think ‘if only he…’ he does and then I push the goal posts, need more reassurance (not to him, in my head) But there is none really. Who knows what the future may bring. I can handle rejection, but it feels like slow rejection – waiting for him to slowly cut all contact. An occasional joke message. I’d rather get it over with now. I thought about cutting him out/fazing out contact myself, but I can’t and don’t want too I guess. We laughed so much. I had butterflies around him. All fears of no idea how to even kiss anyone (been a year.. ) melted away. Even though we didn’t, I wanted to. I held back – too insecure that I’d misread everything. I hadn’t.
But it’s not just him: it’s opened so many old memories. So much about not just my ex fiancé (but a lot of that) but every rejection I’ve ever had. And if this is me at my best. Me doing me. Me living my life honestly and openly and a guy that likes me… it’s still not enough?! Then I’m fucked. I don’t want advice. I don’t need predictions. I’m fed up of people telling me about my future love life as if they know. I’ve been single for almost 6 years. I just needed to get this out because my god i want to drink to escape my head. “
Feeling a lot more calm now. I have SO much in my head, that I’m really finding it hard to write anything at all. Why I decided to copy and paste the above, thinking maybe that would help de-clog. I think I’m just overtired. Been having way too much sugar, caffeine and not enough sleep for the last few days. So, perhaps instead of writing, I should get my head down on my pillow.
Oh, since I got back from the dive trip, most nights I’ve been going to sleep listening to ‘Sound of Silence’ (cover) by Disturbed. I’m not a fan of theirs, and not sure how I stumbled across it – but wow. It’s beautiful. And when I finally let go of the day, and lie down, and put that song on, I feel sad, lonely, vulnerable, but okay with all that. that song feels like some sort of comfort blanket. I can curl up alone and be sad and drift off to sleep. I don’t even know if sad is the right word, but after most days of being active, working, being positive, proactive.. just for those 5 mins before sleep I let my guard down and all the less positive thoughts swim around – not in a hateful way, but just allowing myself a little emotion, a little sadness. Because it can be sad, and lonely, when you’re alone. Even when most of the time you’re kicking ass and rocking it (like S Betty says!!)