Rollin rollin rollin

Rich Roll – I love this guy. Addict, vegan, ultra runner. (Don’t let the last bit put you off!) so down to Earth – great guests, many who are addicts and have amazing, humble, funny stories s

The reason I share this is currently listening to an interview and they are discussing how when you think about giving up, especially as an addict, suddenly you seem to have your whole life planned out and how could you possibly do without X… made me laugh out loud. I remember sitting at my desk in London genuinely worrying about how could I survive not having champagne at my wedding. With the non exist fiancé.. with the non existent boyfriend. Hahahaha.

One day at a time. I recovered from Friday. It reminded me how I’m an addict through and through. But I’m now an addict with tools and support and a great life. I held on with everything I had and here I am. Doing alright. Everyone says (and does) have down days – but I’m not sure everyone, for no reason (ie not a death or break up) has days they have to sit on their hands and drink non alcoholic beers to stop themselves from harming themselves or drinking.. but if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. But gosh, it can be damn scary. I guess it doesn’t matter – but I ponder it because I assume everyone must know this pain and struggle, but often if I start to vocalise it I can see they really don’t. But I’ve always been known to feel deeply, extremely. Hey Ho. That’s why meetings and blogs are vital eh? 💕

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Urgh

Working from home. Had a meltdown. Cried. Went for a run. Didn’t get out the rage. Cried more. And now drinking my 2nd non alcoholic beer. It’s 1pm.

Urgh.

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Honesty

It wouldn’t surprise me if I’d written a post with this title before. Sat on the floor, half on my yoga mat, candle flickering beside me. Just did a 20 minute bedtime practice. I feel so calm. I had a very exciting weekend. I laughed so much. I danced, I hardly got any sleep, I flirted, I did a medical course (Emergency First Response) and though I took what I was learning very seriously, I laughed a lot – made a new proper friend (I think!)

The guy I flirted with – the first time I met him there was a spark. And it seems its mutual, though nothing happened. He doesn’t live in the same country. But really this post isn’t about him. I’ve just been thinking about honesty, and how, now, for the first time ever, I feel honest. To myself, to others. When I’m feeling shit, I don’t always talk about it straight away, but even when the clouds started clearing I had to tell me close friends how awful it had been, and that I knew I could reach out, but I didn’t want to. Other times, I do want to, and now, I do. Even though it’s hard. But it helps.

The words I say, at work, in my personal life – I’m honest. The way I act, the way I try to live by my beliefs, they are honest. Including knowing my hypocrisies. I’m not saying being honest makes me infallible. When I say something I mean it. So many other people say things when they are drunk. Did they mean it? No? Yes? But now shying away from it, because they are scared? Embarrassed? Sobriety not only has made me see the importance of being honest, but the benefits of it. If I am me, and me, generally is okay, and people don’t like that? There is nothing more I can, or more importantly, want to do to make them change that view.  If I say what I think, what I feel, and I get rejected, sure it hurts – fuck it can hurt. But, hmmm, actually sometimes I do hold back. And 100% that is the right thing to do.. but in almost all (if not all) these situations, I tell my friends what I’m feeling, or family.

I always thought I was honest, but I lied to myself, to my friends. The pain I felt, the pain I caused myself. And trying to escape all the time. And at it’s worst I really was living a double life. Looking back, and I know I’ve written this, I can see how hurt my friends were – because, I had been keeping things from them. Of course I did. But to put myself in their position, I would feel sad, and probably a little betrayed too. But the important friendships have been rebuilt.

This post isn’t at all what I wanted it to be. I can’t quite seem to articulate what I feel should be said in once, perhaps two simple sentences about honesty. How precious it is. That if you live by it, nothing else matters. You can be questioned and told you are wrong, but if you believe in what you are saying there is nothing more you can do. Nothing more.

I suppose in some ways I have been pretty true to me. I thought about trying to be someone else a few times in my life, but it never lasted long. I was always the weirdo. I still get called weird all the time. I know I am. It’s okay. When I look at societies norm, I don’t want to be that person. There is nothing wrong with it, but that’s not me. Yet, at the same time – if I say I’m weird, people rush, supposedly to my defence, saying ‘no one is normal…’ But, there are societal norms. Some people are more ‘normal’ than others. And many of the things I enjoy most are things that make me sound weird. So what. Then people compliment me for being weird. It’s all very confusing.. so really, as long as I’m honest with how I want to be, and act in good faith (which I always try to) and smile a lot – I do that too – weird, not weird, cool, not cool – all of that is other people’s shit, not mine.

 

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1000 days

Yup. Yes siree. That’s me! I was having brunch with a friend who also doesn’t drink (but never really did) and thought HOLD ON! So I checked on my phone and yup, 1000 days! Not sure if it seems more or less than that but ONE THOUSAND sounds like a number that should be recognised. So here I am.

I took one of my old diaries down to the beach this afternoon as I wanted to re-read the entries about a yoga retreat a couple years back for another blog post I’m doing. As I opened it I realised it was my diary from when I first gave up booze ‘for a year.’ I read about 1/5th of the journal. Wow. HUGE gaps between entries, but I that’s because I was always writing in here. Where as now I try to write in my paper journal every (few) day(s), but not so much on here. Which ultimately is good, as most of my day to day isn’t booze related anymore. AND WOW HOW MUCH IT WAS.

It was hard to read, but also so fascinating. There was so much struggle. So much fight. So much pain. But fuck – I got through it all!!! I knew it was hard, I knew there were a lot of demons, but WOW – even I forgot how hard, how many. There is some extreme self loathing in there too. Extreme. And I can picture exactly where I was writing them nd how I felt. And the entries that make no sense but I just needed to write and write. How obsessed I was with alcohol, EVERY DAMN MOMENT. How EVERYTHING was about booze. The buzziness of the mind. I think it’s bad sometimes now? Ha! It ain’t got nothing on two years ago!!

One early paragraph really stood out for me.

‘I’m on the early start (sic – is there any other type of start?) of a journey. A tough tough journey. Bit I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. It feels like a joke, ‘I don’t drink,’ but  I can’t do it anymore. I’m so exhausted. Of trying, of failing, but I go on.’

And on I did, and on I continue. Thank you all. This community gave me so much strength. And here I am, in a place I never thought I’d be, doing things I never thought I could do. Feeling more mentally and physically well, with better relationships with others; friends, family, and perhaps most importantly, myself.

Love. x

 

 

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Update?!

Gosh, what extremes. After that meltdown things did get better. But I feel.. as if I’ve been really sick, that kind of sick when I sleep by the toilet because I can’t leave it’s side. But then I feel better. And it’s been a little while since I was last ill. But I’m fragile, and cautious… but can vaguely remember what it’s like to feel okay, and look forward to, and enjoy not being sat by the toilet.

Ha. Beautiful analogy eh.

But I do think things are looking up. I went away this weekend – not out the country but on an overnight camp/dive trip. Day one was testing. Bad vis, strained eyes, feeling a little :/ but I got through it all – the sun shined, the scenery was glorious, and I did see some marine life – I slept on a tent on a beach.. the next day; I felt peace: that seed of contentment. Overwhelmed by the majesty of the hills around me, the peace of the underwater world.

I told a couple of friends how low I’d been feeling. It was weird how telling them also lifted something – like I wasn’t lying to them. An of course they were wonderful. Because of course they care. Of course. It makes me so angry how I get myself into thinking otherwise. That dark black heavy cloud. It’s so insulting to them as friends, who’ve helped me through so much – what is it with the human condition?! All is well, life is short… yeh shaking the blackness is so hard. The shit at work probably isn’t helping.

I even thought that if I wanted to drink again I’d have to move back to London as I couldn’t be a drunk here – it just would work. What stupid thoughts. Gone now.

It’s past my bed time.

Thank you for your support – 💕 xxx

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Flattened.

I don’t even want to write this, but I don’t know what else to do. I keep crying in public. I think my mum knows I’m crying but no hugs come. I don’t know why. I don’t want to have this black cloud over me. I try so hard to be positive and fight for health and happiness but I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I just want to take something to make it stop. I guess I know it will pass. But do I even want it to pass? Because then I have to try again. Fight again: fight against the loneliness, the self loathing, trying to fit in. I feel done. What a horrible afternoon. How fucking hard is it to get a fucking hug. This last week I’ve had a superior at work ‘aggressively bully’ me (which has actually been going on for months – and other people’s words on the situation’ and I had vertigo which not only sucked – scares me in terms of a future five career. Oh hey. I was supposed to get married 6 years ago in a couple of days. I don’t regret that of course. Far from it. But it’s been 6 years since I’ve had a partner. And then it was a shit one. I hate that this has hit me when my mums around. Maybe there would be some point if she wanted to hug me. But I just feel like a moody teenager. In need of some love. 😔 I think she thinks it’s about this moment. About this afternoon. About me being moody and ridiculous. But it’s about everything. It’s about me being tired. And lonely. Not always being able to be positive and put on a face and wear a silver lining.

Edit – two hours later and I cried a lot more. And I told Mum. And she hugged me. And I feel fragile. But the blackness has lifted somewhat. Jebus. That came down hard and heavy. I have some vegan ice cream and we are going to watch a movie. I hate these extremes. There is sadness but then there is this. Total wipeout. X

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To say what?

I feel like writing, but I don’t feel I have anything to say. It’s been a while. I don’t know how long. Yoga retreat. Diving. Broken things. Lost things. Tears about boys. New job. Feeling useless, feeling totally on it. This morning buzzing a little too much. Tonight, feeling wiped and like an outcast. Sober, vegan, single.

I did something this afternoon that would have been a lot more fun drinking. Usually, these days it’s the opposite. I guess cause I’m too tired to make the effort right now and booze does it for you. I want to meet someone. I want to be wanted. I want to feel wanted.

I dreamt about my ex fiancé recently. When I remembered the dream it hurt. I missed him so intensely. I could feel the love and happiness we once shared. How interesting humans are – 6 years on, out of nowhere to feel that strongly. It passed of course.

I was really sad to hear about Avicci dying. Some of his songs have so much meaning to me. Songs I was obsessed with that cover period of my life.. I found out he had drinking issues.. not sure if this is related, but 28… gosh that’s young.

I should sleep. I want to eat. Ho hum. I also want to lose 10kg. I know that’s a lot. But when I was 10kg less I could feel people look at me differently. I actually flirted. La la la

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