Buzz buzz buzzing

My head is just spinning! It’s not too surprising given how much is going on at the moment, but I’m not sure how to calm it. I’ve actually spent a lot of time in the last few weeks alone, at home, doing not much. Which, once I’ve got over the initial ‘just got in from work’ restlessness, has been bliss. And fun. A lot of dancing in my room whilst sorting out clothes and old stuff to get rid off.A lot of dancing. Can’t stop dancing. At home, at work, before work, cycling to work, walking at lunch. Dance dance dance.

Also, had my appraisal at work, 2 years overdue… a few changes there (positive in terms of feedback and a new title and slight salary increase, but have inherited a project to manage, one that is way past all it’s deadlines, that should have been given to me months ago (I thought it was almost finished!) It is really important… but BORING. Ha. Knowing that I’m leaving in 5 months, and how vital it is, and because I care about what I do, and our clients, so far, has helped push me and motivate me and   But on top of that trying to work out what to do with my life for the next couple of years, and then on deciding a rough plan, and working it out logistics; the move, the savings, the course I need to take, what I want to do before I leave. Then all the emotions it brings up, leaving my family, being home with no booze, wondering how it will be – a mix of excitement, adventure, and of course, nerves and anxiety. Trying to read, write, watch things, learn, gym, dance.. go go go go go go. Though in reality because of the buzziness of my head I do spend a lot of time just kinda faffing and flitting. And WAY too much time on my smart phone looking at utter shit.

Not sure how to make it stop. I guess it just will at some point. That wave of contentness. Ahh I look forward to that! There is just a lot of big stuff going on right now, which involves a lot of thought, planning, and emotions, and really, I’m probably doing a lot more than I give myself credit for. And sometimes there are just those times in life when it’s all going on. And before, I drank to stop the buzzing. But never really did anything else.

I went to a morning rave with a friend this morning (SO much fun! Went to one before work 2 weeks ago, turned up  to work with glitter on my face.. managed to keep it on all day) and then had lunch, saw another friend, and was absolutely exhausted tonight. Tried to do all the above –  Spent about 5 mins on each and I think I actually probably, just need to sit in silence and stare at the ceiling.

So that, I shall do.

 

 

 

 

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Gosh

It’s been a long while! The world has got crazier. I’m still sober, still single, learning Latvian (my mums mother tongue) also dealing with the biggest of pandoras boxes – lid blown open two weeks ago at therapy, first time ever I’ve thought ‘why didn’t I just keep repressing this’ but it’s out now. So work through it I must! Man it’s painful. Even with all the shit with my ex I never wanted to just go back and change the path. But this? I’d do anything to go back and try to make things different. 

Oh, and I’m moving back to my hometown on the other side of the world (where I’m going to learn another language) in 6 months. With a new job – Career even (or just enough to keep me clothed As long as I get on the course.) 

But it’s way past bedtime! I miss your blogs! Just checking in. Xxx

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Football. A love story. 

I give in. As a child I LOVED football. I wasn’t allowed to play at primary school because I was a girl. My mum talked to the principal and was then allowed to train with the boys, but Jo play matches. I got teased a lot and felt like a total outcast so stopped going. I always tried to talk to my Dad about football but he didn’t really ever respond, but would talk to my brothers about it all the time, so assume it’s because I was a girl too. I went to Highbury (Arsenal stadium) twice in consecutive summer holidays when we visited England. My biggest brother took me. The first time, against Celtic, was THE most amazing experience. On the way there a Celtic fan on the tube gave me a pound cause he said I looked really sweet in my kit.I’ve always had a soft spot for Celtic ever since, so his bribery worked. Haha. I remember standing on the terraces watching all these big men shouting, cheering, swearing – I couldn’t stop laughing at them but was so hooked. The passion, the intensity, the sense of belonging. I see little kids like that at the games now – tho a little different high up on our padded seats at the Emirates. My proudest project at primary school was on David Seaman (our, and the England goalkeeper) when my brother showed me how to draw a 3D goal to write in… I remember being devastated when I joined Twitter and followed him, my childhood hero, to find not pearls of wisdom, words of strength, but complaints about BT broadband. Though, to be fair, they SUCK. 

When I look back to my teens my first instinct is to think I didn’t care about football – but my diary is littered with results. I also have shirts spanning the seasons. At boarding school I also was allowed to watch important games – because I was a girl. For once – it went in my favour. My housemaster was an ex punk who generally hated privileged private school kids so seemed to have a soft spot for me. 

Being a girl into football I would be bombarded with ‘explain the offside rule’ (very simple) and really obscure trivia questions – so I just learnt to keep my mouth shut and watch the game. I didn’t care about facts and stats. I just liked football and watching Arsenal. 
In my mid 20s my dad got a season ticket with my brother but whenever there was a spare my then boyfriend would go. Looking back deep down I was hurt but I just kinda accepted it and didn’t watch or follow football religiously but just always knew what was going on. 
Then, something changed. I went to a game with my biggest brother, and got THAT feeling again, like I did as a child at my first game. I was utterly hooked. Then whenever my brother or dad couldn’t go I went instead. When I came home just buzzing from my first (this time round) game I remember my then bf saying ‘haha, don’t think I’ll be going again then.’ He was a QPR fan anyway. 
It was wonderful. A whole new world opened up to me. I went to as many games as I could – went to the pub to watch all the away games. And without realising it – my new passion involved beer. ALL the time. Pre match – mid match – post match. Beer beer beer. Towards the end of my relationship it was the perfect escape. Beer, football, and football friends that weren’t in my real (!?) life. Then when we split, perfect escapism for the same reason. Beer football mates. The fucking best. I would sit in bars alone making friends abroad watching the game. And it wasn’t just drinking watching the game. It was getting up early on a Monday morning to make a poster to stick on someone’s computer laughing at their loss.. The only time I (or most decent people!) would actively laugh and push when someone is obviously upset about something… When I moved jobs and no one was into football I missed NOT being laughed at in the morning when we’d lost. Man there is so much I could write – so many good memories, so many painful memories, but ahhh football. Arsenal. Always worth it. Getting up at 4am from a friends wedding to drive 6 hours to watch us (lose) in a cup final at Wembley. Just football. No human rights violations, trafficking, people dying, personal issues – just football, banter, tribalism (!) but so much fun. 
Then when I started to moderate drinking something changed. Obviously I loved football so of course I could go to a game and not drink. And of course, that rarely worked. Then when I gave up, I still went, but it was hard. And I put it down to everything else – too tired, too much else going on, no loyalty from the players – just didn’t like it so much. But I’d still check scores – jump up when I saw we’d won.. The love was still there.. 

So why, do I keep almost breaking down when I have to go a game. Today, I finally accepted it. It’s a trigger. A HUGE fucking trigger. Before most weekend games I now drink NA beer. No, down a few bottles because I’m such a mess. I woke up at 4am feeling angry about HAVING to go today. I looked at schedules for the next few games and got mad about how I didn’t want to go and it’s not a priority and how I have to and I can’t let my dad down and oh god oh god FUCK FUCK FUCK 

And I cried before the game. I drank NA beer. I punched the wall with my boxing gloves, and ultimately felt like an awful awful daughter for no longer wanting to go to football with my Dad. My wonderful Dad. It became our thing. I loved it being our thing. 

But I blurted out to my brother ‘it’s just so hard, I just want to drink.’ And something clicked. No matter how much I try and ignore it, or try to rationalise it – beer and football go hand in hand for me and going to the games is just rubbing it in my face that I can’t do what I used to. Football, at the Worst points of my life, was my saviour. And beer. Escapism from my ex, from heartache, from the lies, from my life. It was my super happy place. And i can’t have that anymore. And it’s too much. It triggers a NEED to drink. My dad earlier said ‘you can leave early, it’s okay’ (I would never leave early! Even when we’ve been 6-0 down!) and I said ‘I can’t.’ Genuinely too scared I would go to a pub, or hurt myself. But then I realised, I needed to leave. To get out in the cold cold air, and think. Write this. Accept it. 
It may seem so stupid, but it was a huge part of my life. And even for the last year or so when I palm off comments ‘oh I haven’t been following..’ I end up getting caught in massive discussions. I get introduced as an Arsenal fab all the time in every aspect of my life. I feel so out of control with it. 
But I will talk to my dad. I need to step away. I can’t do this anymore. I blame football for so much, but I don’t want to hate it. I just need a break. Crying IN the stadium. In my seat. Not even watching the match because I just need to keep myself on lockdown. If I got involved in the game – I’d probably have lost it. 

I think after all this time being sober I should have it figured out. But I fight so much. Use so much energy being present, positive… Sometimes it’s too much. Christmas has been so so so hard. In some ways harder than last year. And then today, a day two years ago I would have been SO excited for – to be like this?! Tears?! Urgh.

I feel like I’m mourning a relationship. Need to tell people we’re on a break. But I don’t. Just my dad. I feel so guilty and he must be so confused. I forget my occasional ‘oh I haven’t been following it recently’ will not translate to him as I think… (Which is all he above…) 

If you got to the end of this. Well done! Haha. But for me, writing this all out, has brought me peace today I did not think I would find. 
I sat outside the stadium for a while. By the plaque I bought my dad for his 70th – kinda crying and laughing. Smiling at the noises from the stadium. Life is so crazy. Oh god, that’s started triggering existential thoughts. I can’t deal with any more of those today. I’m gonna go see my niece and nephew. X 

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Merry christmas

My sober friends. Or my friends trying and struggling to get sober. Thank you for you stories, sharing, support, laughs, frustrations… 

Sorry I’ve been distant recently. Day to day is all I’ve been able to do – not enough sleep – too much sugar – but still sober. Proper updates and reading of blogs soon – family over from France with little kids so moments to myself are few!!! 

XXXX 

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Vodka morning

It will not be today. But this is definitely one of those mornings I would have had a little shot, or three to take the edge off. 

Instead I did some weights. I’m going to cycle in to work listening to a podcast. 

I realised I’ve just been talking, hosting, entertaining, being so positive the last month I’m utterly drained. And that’s probably why I just feel so flattened and empty. Doesn’t help that our internet connection has been down at work, so I’ve just been sat reading emails from pissed off people trying to do what I can, which is not much, and just feeling worthless. 

Ho hum. Let’s try get through today.  

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Are you lost in the world like me?

Man, I love that Moby video SO much.

I feel like everything is okay. But, deep down, I feel like I’m cracking up. And I don’t know why, or what to do with it. Perhaps nothing, perhaps it will just go.

Just had a mini argument with one of my brothers – don’t want to go in to it, but I see him sometimes as quite thoughtless (selfish without meaning to be) and I think he probably sees me as selfish. I usually bend, but this time I didn’t and now sat crying with a alcohol free Budva. This reminded me one of the reasons why I always drank. How easy it was for me to become so cripplingly upset – and what an easy fix it was. And it was, a patch, but it definitely worked instantly. Not even just a little mad, but so torn, SO upset.. Due to, I think, to what I know now as, my massive co-dependent tendencies/personality.

I went to yoga yesterday morning. It made me angry. I walked in the park. It was glorious – so fucking cold, but gorgeous and fresh, and breathtaking. I cried a little on the way back. I sat down and started to write, but then just couldn’t be bothered. Thinking how lonely I felt, but how I didn’t even want a partner, so that left me incredibly confused. What would fill that lonely hole? Most of my close friends have their own partners, and I live in London where everyone is stressed, cancels, busy, impossible to see.. but I managed to rationalise myself back to knowing I DO have wonderful friends that love me, and I’m not alone. But yes, lonely. Maybe.. but then I didn’t even want to be around anyone yesterday. I feel so overwhelmed with life.

I fight every day to try and LIVE each day, to be positive, to be grateful (the latter comes naturally.. and on bad days tips over to guilt of being me, being born as me, having as much as me.) People tell me how well I seem, and glowing, and it’s not a lie. Part of me REALLY feels this, but I’m also just so confused. And overwhelmed. I don’t think anyone understands how on a daily basis my brain just shuts down because I can’t compute anymore. I can’t take in the technicolour. the thoughts on life. DEAtH! So many thoughts on death. My vision, the pixels… go red.. hazy… We don’t even see in pixels. Hahaha. Do we?

I think I haven’t been doing enough outlet stuff (such a wordsmith me.) Not enough writing, playing guitar, sitting (just like this. with music. typing. sitting.). I feel so overwhelmed with things I have to do, with things I am expected to do, and then feel so guilty for saying no. Justifying myself. Justifying over and over again. ‘Please believe that I’m not a bad person, I’m just going to crack’ is effectively what I’m trying to get across. I want to find the question. If I know the question, surely I can find many answers. But I don’t know what the fucking question is. Why am I so unsettled? Is that it?!

I wish everything didn’t have to be such a big deal. Such huge emotions. Such extremes. Us, us little ants – that will all one day, just be dust.

Right now, I really want to drink. I won’t. I’ll probably have another AF beer.

I can say I know for certain that everyone should listen to Tracy Chapman. This is the truth.

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Gonna stay here a while. 

So I had a second date and realised this guy wasn’t for me. And I felt so relieved. Not because of potential relationship pain but because, for the first time, since a child, I’m good with where I am. I just want to be here for a while. My face, my body, my mind. I’ve accepted it all. I don’t think ‘waaaa you are so beautiful! Look at that figure! Oh you! Always making fab rational decisions!’ But this is my face, my body, my mind. The only ones I’ll have. And I accept them. And embrace them. And try to be as good to them as I can. They are me, I am them, let’s all work together team! Haha. 
I am doing a lot, I have so much I want to do, but I’m enjoying the now. The working hard, the spending time with great friends and family, working out what I really do love doing and what I care about. Finding out what I really think. And it’s a great place to be. Still moody, emotional, irrational… But what’s life without emotions. Not the one for me. 

So I just want to stay here for a while. Enjoy male company without feeling the need to drink, or that weird co dependent guilt of worrying too much about hurting their feelings and maybe I’ll grow to like them. 

So here I am, 34 today. More calm and confident than I’ve ever been. It’s a very weird place to be in. One I feel society is telling me I can’t be in (unless I buy! Consume! ‘Treat’ deny! Self hate! Self love! But still compare yourself!! Pay for mindfulness! Consume!!) 

No, I’m good thanks, just getting along, being me. 

Peace my sober friends. X 

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