Gosh, it’s been a while. Still sober. Ha, writing that I wanted to put ‘obviously’ or ‘why would I be anything else’ – funny how complement I get about it most of the time. But still there are those days – where I am necking down N/A beers or doing all the ‘things’ to make sure I don’t drink.. they don’t happen often, but when they do. WOW – I remember that I am an addict. And FUCK THAT SHIT I WILL NOT SUCCUMB AND I WILL GET THROUGH.
Ha – not at all what I was going to write! I just checked – it’s been TWO MONTHS since I last wrote. And it’s only a few weeks until I’m 3 years sober. THREE YEARS! Longer or less? I can’t decide. And what shall I do? I thought perhaps I should do a ‘thing’ – then thought I might just go get ice cream and sit on the harbour front and think and walk. Because I love doing that.
So much has happened in these two months. I spent almost 3 weeks in Europe with my family & friends, having the most fabulous time. It was unpaid time off, so man I’ve been feeling it – but worth every cent. I had the most wonderful time with everyone I saw (ok, one exception) and the overwhelming love I felt for my friends and family – for where I am in life, where our relationships have got to – some people, it’s been rocky. I was so excited, I was worried it wouldn’t live up to my expectations (that I tried not to have, but hey, I’m human – SO excited) and it exceeded everything.
I was worried coming back would be hard. It’s the first time I’ve ever flown into this airport and thought ‘I don’t want to be here.’ Which was very strange. But it didn’t last long at all. I met someone. As fucking always, cause it’s me, nothing happened.. and this person lives in another country – but this was pretty monumental. It was a mutual feeling (I found out after a super honest conversation, ‘I really fancy you.’ Ha!) This person is a woman. I’ve fancied women before, like REALLY fancied, but never truly explored the idea of having a gf – for various reasons, that I’m finding fascinating to think of myself, and write about in my paper journal. But the world’s a little different now – though only a couple of people know. Things make a little more sense too. I feel better in my own skin. Am I gay? I don’t know. Does it matter to me? Not so much. I told a friend I was bi when I was 13. She kinda shrugged it off. Even since I’ve been sexual I’ve been drunk. What matters is that I’ve opened my eyes to dating women, and it just makes sense. Take each day, each encounter. Who knows. Interestingly I had a one off session with my old therapist (man I miss her!) over Skype, and the week before she’d been at a conference about sexual identity and its fluidity. ha.
The woman is American, and I still have some sort of hope, but, if not.. hey ho.. meeting her, and the overwhelming, head over heels feelings I had (have) for her led me to picking up my guitar and writing and singing and writing and singing, and even sending stuff to people, and now going to try and put some songs on soundcloud and get to some open mic nights. Which is another monumental thing for me. To sing in front of people, my words, being vulnerable is the most scary, and most wanted thing for me. It’s insane that I’ve done so much, even as a scared teenager – I was an activist, but I couldn’t sing in front of people, even though it was my biggest wish.
To the world I seem the same, but to me, wow – things are changing. Things have changed so much. And all of this is because I got sober. It’s been so hard. Some of the revelations cut me as deep as they did when I first had them. But they’re real, I’m okay, and it’s okay to hurt, be sad, to scream, to cry.
And being sober, the main gift it’s given me is honesty. To myself and to others. Through honesty I’m happier, my relationships are better, for everyone.
Bring on the three years. Bring on the ice cream! ❤