Wow, it’s been 6 weeks. Since my last entry, I’ve moved country. Got a new flat, new job, bank account (quite a feat here) and in a new career. Even though what I’m doing now is to make money rather than a career thing. Still, I always give my all in work, so always learning.
Gosh. How am I? How the fuck am I? According to all my social media I am having the time of my life. Not because I lie, or portray anything different that the reality, as a lot of what I’m doing is AMAZING. I’m out kayaking, scuba diving, hiking, cycling, exploring… I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.
But then there’s the other side. The side that wasn’t left in London. The loneliness. The lack of social life/connections. The lack of self worth, magnified being a country where most people are about the size of my leg. Growing up here I always thought I was huge, where as I actually had a slim figure and was very healthy and active. I haven’t felt even a little bit attractive since I got here. And I don’t really care.. at least I feel I don’t.. and then that makes me really sad, because I realise it stems from ‘well what’s the point, because no one here will find you attractive.’ I’ve been over eating again (Did I stop?). Always thinking about food. Being vegan I have to more than most, especially as I do lots of day trips, prepping, packing.. and during the day, eating healthy. And feeling good. then at home alone, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.
I suppose this video sums out how I eat at night. The shovelling. the not thinking about what I’m eating, only what I”m eating next.
I was worried I’d want to drink here. But I don’t. In fact, I’ve become so much more anti-drink than I wanted too.. I just don’t get why people choose getting so messed up and the fear and anxiety and the blackouts and the illness.. over being sober and living..
Ha ha ha!! I’m invited to things, but being on ‘all you can drink’ boats, or in bars where I don’t really know anyone, and they are busy, too loud for talking, and not proper dancing venues… not my vibe, and a lot of energy.
I know making new close friends takes time, but I guess because I felt so disconnected in London it’s not like this is new, just more of the same loneliness. And messages from friends in London who constantly cancelled on me saying ‘I miss you…’ which instead of feeling nice, just pisses me off.
I can do the independent life. I always have. Barriers, walls, stubbornness, keeping people at a distance (without realising it AT ALL..) and going for it. Now, I’m doing all the things I wanted to do as a late teen.. I go to Muay Thai once a week. I’m starting language lessons next week. I’m trying to write pitches for articles. I’m getting serious about some of my other passions. Just going for it. I’m doing it. I’m here. I never thought I’d get here. But here I am. But it doesn’t feel enough. All of that overshadowed by eating too much cereal every night, because in that moment I feel amazing. How stupid is that.
I have so much buzzing through my head right now – I have for months. But feelings? I cried this morning. Whilst watching ‘the good wife.’ A scene that reminded me of a moment FIVE YEARS AGO. When, for that moment, that evening – I felt safe, loved, content. Just for that night. It reminded me that I can feel that. Feel loved. Ha. Just burst out crying writing that. I’ve resigned myself to accepting I’ll never feel it again. And none of my close friends can relate. They have their own loneliness and relationship issues, of course – but all of them are in long term relationships. Almost no human physical contact for years. No one to share your little daily crap with. No one to give you a hug. It takes a lot to keep up that strength, that self worth with no one to pick you up. Gosh, I sound so self pitying, but I don’t think I am. Just occasionally, it gets to me. But I’ll get up, put a smile on my face, and step outside and keep on going.
I think about death a LOT. I wake up in the middle of night and think ‘one day you will be dead.’ It’s odd – this used to scare me, and now it’s just a fact that often helps me care less about decisions or what others think. The death of my parents on the hand petrifies me. But I’ll deal, or not, with that if (ha. when.. I guess I could go first?) it happens.
I often get utterly overwhelmed with clarity. Being back where I grew up, I am FLOODED with memories. Everything is so normal and familiar, but at the same time I cannot comprehend, that this is where I used to live. With my family. With my best friends. Brain just goes ‘I CANNOT COMPUTE’ and I have to reign my thoughts back in/shut down, otherwise I start feeling a little panicky. Since I got sober how our brain works utterly fascinates me. In once sense we have a lot of control, and in another we have very little.
Panic attacks, anxiety… repression. going hand in hand. How when you break up with someone, even if it’s what you want, you generally cannot just be okay with it. (It does happen of course.. but when it’s a messy breakup) – there is mental healing. Even if we pretend we are cool… you see it come back to bite people… surface in different ways. No matter how much us humans try to control our thoughts and emotions by ignoring them.. IT DOES NOT WORK! – if you believe in God.. then by God’s design. if you don’t.. we are just not wired/built that way (by whatever).
What an offload. I’ve been doing so many wonderful things, but I haven’t been laughing much. I went to a GREAT comedy night last night, but wasn’t laughing anywhere as much as I should have been.. in that I thought the jokes were hysterical. But I’m just feeling emotionally shut down. I guess perhaps it’s helping me get through the early transition days? I don’t know. But I have faith in myself to not let myself down. Sometimes.
Just then I thought of food and that positivity came crashing down. The sun is shining and I need to go outside. Take a walk, go to the beach. But these usually wonderful things don’t appeal to me right now. I guess there’s no rush. The sun will come up again. The walk I want to walk will be there later, or another day.