35

Me! Today! Gosh. Not that I think 35 is old per se, but me?! Ridiculous! I’m single living in a studio, no plans for savings, (travel baby travel) and still working through all the same issues as a teenager. But that’s most of us right (not necessarily this life circumstances part!) 30’s.. 40’s.. 50’s…

The level of my self worth has become so apparent to me in the last week or so. And how destructive it is not only to myself, but relationships too. Doubting friends want to see me, talk to me – shutting myself off, being defensive – just not believing people like me. But that’s so buried down I forget that’s how I feel! And I unearthed it the other day and spoke to a friend about it all, who was so so so supportive and reminded me that us go get em, do what makes us happy, not necessarily overly positive, but full of gratitude whilst knowing life can suck sometimes… how we sometimes think we’re so mindful and know ourselves that actually we get a bit slap in the face realising how far we’ve slipped from the attitude. Now trying to do 10 min meditation as soon as I wake up to wack away those shitty zillion thoughts of everything being wrong at 7.01am when actually life is pretty right!

A friend asked to stay last night and I felt pretty shitty having to say no (she had other options) but I feel how codependent I’m becoming again and how much it damages me when I leave myself at the bottom of the pile. Which in turn does NOT help my friends anyway. Life’s been super busy with my parents here and I need that hour before bed and the morning for me time – I live in a small studio, so I wouldn’t be able to yoga, meditate…

It’s weird because as well as feeling guilty about saying no last night (which ended up being a wonderful night. Did some house things I needed too – went to bed in time, didn’t binge and had a great mediation and weights session this morning in my studio…) I felt a sense of empowerment again. Putting my needs first without apologising profusely for them. I still can’t but help my friend is super mad at me tho…

So anyway. My birthday. Always weird days. But I get off work a little early and going to a vegan American restaurant to eat junk food and huge sundaes – and I can wait.

Big love my sober friends. 35 seems like some sort of milestone.. not sure what. But more good things are on the way. I’ll make sure of it.

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Awww man

What a week. Why in my head does one week feel like ‘foreveeerrrr!!’ Like a bad week to me ‘oh it’s always been like this.’ Pffft. So exhausting being so emotional. On that level this bad week makes me think, well it will pass. PMS heightened by having almost no adult contact and no conversations for 5 days (I.e. Forever) 

But what does worry me is that… urgh… I hate to say it.. not even sure why.. shame? I’m not sure.. just makes me feel so teenage.. I’ve made myself sick three times this week and I haven’t regretted it. 

It took me over a decade to stop, and so many times the last few years I’ve wanted to but stopped myself from this self-harm. This week, three times after eating a bit too much and then thinking well I better eat lots more to justify being sick. How ridiculous is that. And each morning instead of waking up with shame, I’ve woken up not feeling full, and feeling grateful for that. But I can’t go down this road. But I’m scared of being home alone in the evening. Scared of my lovely studio with all the things I love and also want to do!!! And I want to eat. I don’t want to starve. I want to be healthy. I don’t want to obsessively eat. It wasn’t until I’d made myself sick on all those nights I felt myself calm.the food, such an addiction. My blood throbbing, feeling chaotic and crazy ‘what next what next.’ How do I find the will to stop myself? I feel so exhausted trying trying trying. I feel lonely but don’t want to talk. I want to stop eating but the thought of stuffing my face makes me excited. Like getting drunk used too. But getting drunk was much more fun (sort of/sometimes/hey, it’s complicated…) 

Oh la la la. What to do? I feel like I’m waiting for a switch to go on.. but many mornings I’ve thought ‘today is the day’ (finding nemo anyone?) and turns out.. nope… 

Why can’t I have that switch go on like when I gave up booze, or smoking, or even sugar for two months. I even decided last week I was being too restrictive and obsessive (and failing) so to be ‘nicer’ and bought a few things to try be more normal… and binge ate them all!! 

Aiyaaaaaaaa

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Phew

Wow, it’s been 6 weeks. Since my last entry, I’ve moved country. Got a new flat, new job, bank account (quite a feat here) and in a new career. Even though what I’m doing now is to make money rather than a career thing. Still, I always give my all in work, so always learning.

Gosh. How am I? How the fuck am I? According to all my social media I am having the time of my life. Not because I lie, or portray anything different that the reality, as a lot of what I’m doing is AMAZING. I’m out kayaking, scuba diving, hiking, cycling, exploring…  I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.

But then there’s the other side. The side that wasn’t left in London. The loneliness. The lack of social life/connections. The lack of self worth, magnified being a country where most people are about the size of my leg. Growing up here I always thought I was huge, where as I actually had a slim figure and was very healthy and active. I haven’t felt even a little bit attractive since I got here. And I don’t really care.. at least I feel I don’t.. and then that makes me really sad, because I realise it stems from ‘well what’s the point, because no one here will find you attractive.’ I’ve been over eating again (Did I stop?). Always thinking about food. Being vegan I have to more than most, especially as I do lots of day trips, prepping, packing.. and during the day, eating healthy. And feeling good. then at home alone, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.

I suppose this video sums out how I eat at night. The shovelling. the not thinking about what I’m eating, only what I”m eating next.

 

I was worried I’d want to drink here. But I don’t. In fact, I’ve become so much more anti-drink than I wanted too.. I just don’t get why people choose getting so messed up and the fear and anxiety and the blackouts and the illness.. over being sober and living..

Ha ha ha!! I’m invited to things, but being on ‘all you can drink’ boats, or in bars where I don’t really know anyone, and they are busy, too loud for talking, and not proper dancing venues… not my vibe, and a lot of energy.

I know making new close friends takes time, but I guess because I felt so disconnected in London it’s not like this is new, just more of the same loneliness. And messages from friends in London who constantly cancelled on me saying ‘I miss you…’ which instead of feeling nice, just pisses me off.

I can do the independent life. I always have. Barriers, walls, stubbornness, keeping people at a distance (without realising it AT ALL..) and going for it. Now, I’m doing all the things I wanted to do as a late teen.. I go to Muay Thai once a week. I’m starting language lessons next week. I’m trying to write pitches for articles. I’m getting serious about some of my other passions. Just going for it. I’m doing it. I’m here. I never thought I’d get here. But here I am. But it doesn’t feel enough. All of that overshadowed by eating too much cereal every night, because in that moment I feel amazing. How stupid is that.

I have so much buzzing through my head right now – I have for months. But feelings? I cried this morning. Whilst watching ‘the good wife.’ A scene that reminded me of a moment FIVE YEARS AGO. When, for that moment, that evening – I felt safe, loved, content. Just for that night. It reminded me that I can feel that. Feel loved. Ha. Just burst out crying writing that. I’ve resigned myself to accepting I’ll never feel it again. And none of my close friends can relate. They have their own loneliness and relationship issues, of course – but all of them are in long term relationships. Almost no human physical contact for years. No one to share your little daily crap with. No one to give you a hug. It takes a lot to keep up that strength, that self worth with no one to pick you up. Gosh, I sound so self pitying, but I don’t think I am. Just occasionally, it gets to me. But I’ll get up, put a smile on my face, and step outside and keep on going.

I think about death a LOT. I wake up in the middle of night and think ‘one day you will be dead.’ It’s odd – this used to scare me, and now it’s just a fact that often helps me care less about decisions or what others think. The death of my parents on the hand petrifies me. But I’ll deal, or not, with that if (ha. when.. I guess I could go first?) it happens.

I often get utterly overwhelmed with clarity. Being back where I grew up, I am FLOODED with memories. Everything is so normal and familiar, but at the same time I cannot comprehend, that this is where I used to live. With my family. With my best friends. Brain just goes ‘I CANNOT COMPUTE’ and I have to reign my thoughts back in/shut down, otherwise I start feeling a little panicky. Since I got sober how our brain works utterly fascinates me. In once sense we have a lot of control, and in another we have very little.

Panic attacks, anxiety… repression. going hand in hand. How when you break up with someone, even if it’s what you want, you generally cannot just be okay with it. (It does happen of course.. but when it’s a messy breakup) – there is mental healing. Even if we pretend we are cool… you see it come back to bite people… surface in different ways. No matter how much us humans try to control our thoughts and emotions by ignoring them.. IT DOES NOT WORK!  – if you believe in God.. then by God’s design. if you don’t.. we are just not wired/built that way (by whatever).

What an offload. I’ve been doing so many wonderful things, but I haven’t been laughing much. I went to a GREAT comedy night last night, but wasn’t laughing anywhere as much as I should have been.. in that I thought the jokes were hysterical. But I’m just feeling emotionally shut down. I guess perhaps it’s helping me get through the early transition days? I don’t know. But I have faith in myself to not let myself down. Sometimes.

Just then I thought of food and that positivity came crashing down. The sun is shining and I need to go outside. Take a walk, go to the beach. But these usually wonderful things don’t appeal to me right now. I guess there’s no rush. The sun will come up again. The walk I want to walk will be there later, or another day.

 

Phew.

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AA tube adverts 

So, got on the tube today (rate experience) and AA now have adverts up. Gave me goosebumps. Tag line was ‘is alcohol costing you more than money?’ I wondered what I would have thought if I’d seen them in my drinking days. Probably would have had me holding back tears. I hope they help people… I think they will.. they are aimed at women – in their 20s/30s. Interesting.. 
Also a couple of ‘Go sober for October’ charity adverts. I’m still not, and never been a fan of sobriety months. The focus on being sober as such a shit challenge/thing to do where as sobriety is fucking awesome! Ha! 

But even when I drank they always rubbed me the wrong way, not because I ‘knew’ (thought) I couldn’t do it, but I figured, either it was easy (my friend shocked me when she did it and said ‘to be honest it was a piece of piss’ (a very weird expression!) or it would be so hard that actually a month off without focusing on the real issues, but doing it for charity, was missing the point… 

Overthink? Me? Never … 😉

I leave London on Tuesday. It’s been so so manic. Generally good, but so off balance and either exhausted or hyper. But it will even out, just the nature of moving and having a million things to do and people to see. Generally I’m good. I’m sober. And hanging out with my mum a lot 💕😊
Need to catch up with posts on here! Xx

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No idea what to call this.

I was looking forward to today. Yoga in the morning, local lunch with a friend. Lots of free time to just do as I pleased. I ended up crying for around 5 hours. Then I guess another hour more. I feel torn apart inside.

Did anything major happen? Nope. I don’t even know what triggered it. But a little disagreement with my parents led to hours of thinking I am so disillusioned in who I think I am, and what others think I am – and then, what was the fucking point of it all. What was the point of trying so damn hard for so damn long. ‘You try too hard.’ Clearly, not enough if I’m still not the person I’m trying to be, or even thought I was.  Trying to justify my emotions, I don’t even want to talk about – I just wanted to be. My parents haven’t done anything wrong today. I guess I just feel like I did it all wrong. My life. Even though throughout the whole fucking thing I’ve tried so hard to make the most of it all. Always. Sadly, a lot of that involved getting through with an alcohol crutch, but it was still trying. And worked to a certain extent. I got degrees, held jobs, people were surprised I gave up booze, so clearly, fronting it up okay. Going to a fucking shitty boarding school – did they even miss me? Or was it just me crying every fucking day on the other side of the world.

I’m so fucking lonely. I had a dream the other night someone held me. Not even hugged, held. Fuck. I forgot that it was even a thing – it’s been so long. I remember it being really nice.

In the discussions my Mum said she hoped I wasn’t running away (from London) and I don’t think I am, but it made me think.. so fucking what if I was? What is here aside from my parents and my cat? I just feel so disconnected from the city. It’s a great one, and one I was such a part of, but not any more. Why not run. I know all too well all my thoughts and demons would be coming with me, so why not try a sunnier location? I’m a little scared, because if this doesn’t work too well – I don’t know what there is for me. I wanted to drink today. I’ve thought about it a lot more recently. But ultimately I know it makes NOTHING better. And that makes me feel even fucking worse. Even my old mate drink can’t help me now.

My eyes hurt so much from crying. My heart hurts so much. I feel like such a fuck up. I know that sounds so melodramatic and teenage, but that’s me, apparently. What hurts the most is that I think I upset my parents. They are upset they upset me. And I hate that. I told them they wouldn’t have to deal with my shit much longer anyway. So much of this is intertwined with deep, raw emotions from my childhood, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to. I’m leaving soon. I thought I was doing okay, but it feels like lies. I don’t know how I feel. I can’t stop crying.

I’ve realised in the last year or so, so many friendships weren’t built on much – and some only held together by my co-dependency and bending over backwards to try and fit people in. I miss being invited to things. Maybe I can find the strength to start again. Be that better me. Right now, I don’t think I can. I want to lay down and surrender. But maybe I should just surrender to sleep.

 

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Being ok, but falling apart

The last few months have been insane for me. Leaving work, weddings, intense teaching training course (which lead to binge eating/gaining weight/losing sleep).. but most of all, I have been dealing with, with my therapist, events from my childhood (shock! 😉  ) which it turns out have shaped my life, my personality, my anxiety, my depression, my defensiveness, my fear of abandonment, my fierce independence, amongst other things. I may have mentioned this before. I have no doubt that alcohol addiction also stemmed from this. (I wasn’t abused – just thought I’d say) and I don’t really want to talk about it generally, which is normal I suppose, but its HUGE. Blew my world apart. Which is good, because now I am starting to understand myself. Starting to work out who I really am, and what is a result of trauma and experience and trying to cope. I FINALLY feel I can move forward and realise why, despite feeling so depressed and so manic, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety disorders – even though I clearly suffer badly (or have) from both. To the point of them crippling my life. HUGELY. It now makes sense, that THAT wasn’t what I needed to address. But it’s fucking hard.

And the trouble is, because I don’t want to talk about it AT ALL with most people, I am trying to put on a brave face, where as I’m actually finding day to day texting, communications, planning, etc, really really difficult. I only linked the two yesterday!  All the above (job, course, packing to move to another country) would be stressful and emotional anyway, but opening this Pandoras box that really involves many of the people I care about most in the world, on top of this – wow. It’s hard going. And so I kept trying to say ‘oh I’m stressed cause of the course’ but now I realise it’s not that. It’s because I am re-living trauma, which I need to do, and want to do, but should also be coupled with giving myself time and space. Both of which are severely lacking.

I hope with the realisation that it isn’t the day to day stresses that are making me want to hide from my friends, or being overly sensitive or defensive, that I can address it better. And perhaps be more sensitive for my need just to be alone. IN a sense it’s good timing. Clearing out my room, throwing away (or to charity shops) much of my stuff. Very therapeutic. I don’t know how upfront I will be about this, but at least I don’t feel crazy and as if I’m going backwards, which is how I was feeling. I was at my brothers last week in France and had my phone off completely for 3 days. It was bliss not having to respond to people, think about the outside world, worry if my responses were read the right way, give advice, should I give advice, or feel guilt for not participating in group conversations which largely revolve around booze, hangovers or gossip. None of which interest me  and make me feel very lonely and excluded. I’d rather not be in these groups, but then I feel like I”m being the odd one out. But I kinda always have been, and in a way am okay with that. I don’t want to change me. It’s only when I am true to me that I feel content.

Anyway, I turned it back on and felt panicky. A bad friend, overwhelmed, etc, etc.

I just needed to get this out. I cried all last night. I cried for an hour in therapy today. I feel so fragile. I have my mates wedding tomorrow. I was hoping to be all bubbly today to help with any last minute things, and though I feel like a  terrible friend, others will be doing that and I need to look after myself… And be happy tomorrow. I’ll have no problem putting on a show of happiness and excitement (as I did at the Hen do) but I hope for more, to be present and genuinely able to enjoy the day, of two wonderful wonderful people committing to each other.

Even in comparison to my drinking and my terrible relationship, both of which I covered/hid (of course to myself as well) I feel like this is my biggest cover up. But it needs to be that way. I do have support, but it’s very private and something most people cannot relate to – in fact will have opinions on which only make me feel more misunderstood and isolated. So it has to be this way. But there is so much power in self knowledge. And with that I will move forward.

Thank you. I know it’s not drink related. HA! In fact it is. Of course it is! It all is. Going to the root of what made me feel the need to drink and learn obsessive behaviours from a young age? It’s one and the same.

I am hurting so much right now. But I also feel positive. In that super scary but determined way. So, it’s a little odd. Because I am okay, but I’m also fighting to hold myself together. Ahh humans, we are such a complicated bunch.

Love, peace & solidarity my soberistas & sobermisters! x

 

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Thank you

So much for your kind, supportive, helpful words. In the last week I finished my job, went to my oldest friends wedding with people from all parts of my life, and started a course for a new career today. So I’m a little emotionally spent and running on empty: but feel okay. Will catch up on here when I get a moment – just needed to say how much strength and comfort your comments gave me. 

Thank you xxx 

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