(I have Renegade Master stuck in my head..)
So, I can’t be bothered to write… but do I have enough energy to go upstairs to the kitchen to get food even though I’m full? HELL YEH!
Ill behaviours creeping back in. It’s been a big week. I handed in my notice. I’ve been going backwards and forwards on whether to go to the festival or not, which drove me insane. In the end I decided against it. For many reasons. I’m a little sad, but overall made the right decision. Which makes me more annoyed I didn’t make this decision at the start of the week and not spend the whole time fretting abut it.
Anyway – I actually feel I shouldn’t write anymore because what I’m typing is even boring to me. But I also feel I need to write, because I’m feeling a little stuck in a loop of overtiredness, sitting looking at my phone, mindless eating, and round and round. My therapist and I are talking a lot about relationship and love at the moment, brought about by the meeting of that man – and it’s hard. Even though I know I’m closed off I still surprise myself at how much. And how, at such a young age I learnt to just shut people out of my thoughts. How I get huge separation anxiety, but once they are gone – I’m alright. I did this as a young child, as a teenager, an adult – even when my brothers moved abroad. I couldn’t even let myself think about the kids because it hurt too much. So, I’d ignore their existence until I was with them again. Now I’m dealing with this – and I call them, send them things, look forward to seeing them. It feels better and more natural, and makes me happier! But wow, how good I am at instantly putting my feelings on lockdown! This man said something that angered me, and I literally felt my insides close. I imagined a massive fortress inside and BANG the doors shut. And you know what? I was happy! I was so relieved. My therapist laughed when I told her (we get on very well as people.) That of course I did, I’m so used to being self reliant, and not expecting anything from anyone – this is my natural, comfortable state. But ultimately it makes me miss out some of the best parts of life. The intimacy. But, I honestly don’t feel that’s for me. Even as a teen I thought if I ever became a Mum I would be a single Mum (nothing wrong with that obv!) Even when I was with my fiance that’s how I felt because he was so useless. And part of me loved the idea. And still does, me and my little one against the world. Urgh. But, if I’m being really honest, I’ve opened up to the idea (if only a teeny tiny bit) of meeting someone. I actually even thought I might meet a guy, just to kiss.. (maybe more…) for the weekend at the festival. Last time I went I hooked up with a very hot guy. At the time I just kept thinking ‘Go you! He is HAWT.’ Haha. And very nice, but smoked a lot of weed, and sold weed, so I declined his offers of keeping in touch. Which surprises me too. Part of me thinks maybe cause he was really nice, and interesting and interested, I basically ran away. Maybe a mix of the two.
It’s funny that the last man I kissed (recently, and first kiss in 16 months!) is twice as old as the last guy I slept with. Ha! Wow – coming up to two years. I remember when two weeks felt like an eternity.
Man, I just thought ‘hmm what can I eat?” It’s midnight! I’ve had dinner. I had yoghurt before dinner at my Latvian class. I had too much food after dinner. I’m so tired, my eyes are twitchy. WAAAA.
Bad habits. Obsessive, impulsive bad habits. I feel pretty content so why am I going back to them? Well, taking a weekend to myself, writing, exercising, and mooching – hopefully that will help level it a bit.
With one eye shut and its 12:20 I should sleep. I am sorry for the dull post.