I don’t even want to write this, but I don’t know what else to do. I keep crying in public. I think my mum knows I’m crying but no hugs come. I don’t know why. I don’t want to have this black cloud over me. I try so hard to be positive and fight for health and happiness but I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I just want to take something to make it stop. I guess I know it will pass. But do I even want it to pass? Because then I have to try again. Fight again: fight against the loneliness, the self loathing, trying to fit in. I feel done. What a horrible afternoon. How fucking hard is it to get a fucking hug. This last week I’ve had a superior at work ‘aggressively bully’ me (which has actually been going on for months – and other people’s words on the situation’ and I had vertigo which not only sucked – scares me in terms of a future five career. Oh hey. I was supposed to get married 6 years ago in a couple of days. I don’t regret that of course. Far from it. But it’s been 6 years since I’ve had a partner. And then it was a shit one. I hate that this has hit me when my mums around. Maybe there would be some point if she wanted to hug me. But I just feel like a moody teenager. In need of some love. 😔 I think she thinks it’s about this moment. About this afternoon. About me being moody and ridiculous. But it’s about everything. It’s about me being tired. And lonely. Not always being able to be positive and put on a face and wear a silver lining.

Edit – two hours later and I cried a lot more. And I told Mum. And she hugged me. And I feel fragile. But the blackness has lifted somewhat. Jebus. That came down hard and heavy. I have some vegan ice cream and we are going to watch a movie. I hate these extremes. There is sadness but then there is this. Total wipeout. X

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To say what?

I feel like writing, but I don’t feel I have anything to say. It’s been a while. I don’t know how long. Yoga retreat. Diving. Broken things. Lost things. Tears about boys. New job. Feeling useless, feeling totally on it. This morning buzzing a little too much. Tonight, feeling wiped and like an outcast. Sober, vegan, single.

I did something this afternoon that would have been a lot more fun drinking. Usually, these days it’s the opposite. I guess cause I’m too tired to make the effort right now and booze does it for you. I want to meet someone. I want to be wanted. I want to feel wanted.

I dreamt about my ex fiancé recently. When I remembered the dream it hurt. I missed him so intensely. I could feel the love and happiness we once shared. How interesting humans are – 6 years on, out of nowhere to feel that strongly. It passed of course.

I was really sad to hear about Avicci dying. Some of his songs have so much meaning to me. Songs I was obsessed with that cover period of my life.. I found out he had drinking issues.. not sure if this is related, but 28… gosh that’s young.

I should sleep. I want to eat. Ho hum. I also want to lose 10kg. I know that’s a lot. But when I was 10kg less I could feel people look at me differently. I actually flirted. La la la

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I didn’t think 6 years on (I think it’s that?!) I’d genuinely miss my ex fiance. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t even recognise him when I see him. The person I was with early on, is not the same person now. But, opening up a little to the good memories, it actually surprises me that I was crazy in love with him. And we had REALLY good times. It got so bad I let it cloud everything. Which is fine, it was needed.

I think the distant guy met someone two nights ago. You know when you know something. And it’s okay. It hurts, not just this, but I think more from the rejection, of opening up, and being vulnerable, and wishing you hadn’t bothered.

I read somewhere. Ha. On here I think, about how when you get sober, you experience real pain, and it’s easier to sit with it, when you know the emotions are real. And it doesn’t hurt any less, but it’s true. I can sit with this. I can be sad. And then I will move on. I feel good. I had a great run tonight, I played a lot of guitar. I just feel a little sad. And mad. Mad at him. Sad for me.

It’s been 936 days since I had a drink. Gosh. That’s almost 1000. That doesn’t seem like that many. Or tonnes. I can’t work it out. Booze is like my ex, when I miss it, I miss how it was, but I don’t want it anymore. It will never be like it was. So here’s to the future.

And to looking for sex not love. Ha.


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I feel like I’m drowning. I lost my wallet yesterday – on an otherwise AMAZING day hiking with a friend. I know it’s just one of those things, but has cost me money, and time I don’t have – to get things replaced. I was already feeling like I was drowning a bit with money and time and being way too busy. Something needs to change. Something needs to give. But what?? I’m already doing less that I want too. Not ‘should’, but ‘want’ – ahh. Man

I wrote this last night. And was just too blocked and tired and exhausted to write. Just left it open on my browser. This morning I remembered my last most.. and to breathe….  I also realised late last night it was 6 months ago I moved. I wrote a little post on my FB/IG about it, and woke up to some lovely messages, and a whole lot of love.

I got this. x

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I’ve actually written quite a few entries since my last one. But never got to transferring them from my phone to this blog. I’ve been writing a lot in my paper journal too. Almost every day.

More changes on the horizon for me – big changes workwise, I’ve started playing in a band, I signed up for spartan, I feel like I’m starting to make proper friends, I met this guy on holiday, but not (nothing happened and we don’t live in the same country) and that’s sent me on all sorta crazy and opened up so many old wounds and memories, some good – some bad. I even woke myself up from a dream where my ex fiance and I were throwing knives at each other.

Hmm. This is one of the entries I started writing: Maybe a week ago?

“Mantra – I cannot drink and have the life I want to have. I can drink and have a decent enough life, but not this one. 

Met a guy whilst I was away, nothing actually happened, but spent most of our time together for a couple days. There was a connection. He said he regrets not kissing me. He lives in another country, but only for 3 months / then who knows where he will go. He drinks. He eats meat. But I haven’t felt this way for so long. But it’s driving me fucking insane. He’s on my mind all the time. We message occasionally but every time I think ‘if only he…’ he does and then I push the goal posts, need more reassurance (not to him, in my head) But there is none really. Who knows what the future may bring. I can handle rejection, but it feels like slow rejection – waiting for him to slowly cut all contact. An occasional joke message. I’d rather get it over with now. I thought about cutting him out/fazing out contact myself, but I can’t and don’t want too I guess. We laughed so much. I had butterflies around him. All fears of no idea how to even kiss anyone (been a year.. ) melted away. Even though we didn’t, I wanted to. I held back – too insecure that I’d misread everything. I hadn’t. 

But it’s not just him: it’s opened so many old memories. So much about not just my ex fiancé (but a lot of that) but every rejection I’ve ever had. And if this is me at my best. Me doing me. Me living my life honestly and openly and a guy that likes me… it’s still not enough?! Then I’m fucked. I don’t want advice. I don’t need predictions. I’m fed up of people telling me about my future love life as if they know. I’ve been single for almost 6 years. I just needed to get this out because my god i want to drink to escape my head. “

Feeling a lot more calm now. I have SO much in my head, that I’m really finding it hard to write anything at all. Why I decided to copy and paste the above, thinking maybe that would help de-clog. I think I’m just overtired. Been having way too much sugar, caffeine and not enough sleep for the last few days. So, perhaps instead of writing, I should get my head down on my pillow.

Oh, since I got back from the dive trip, most nights I’ve been going to sleep listening to ‘Sound of Silence’ (cover) by Disturbed. I’m not a fan of theirs, and not sure how I stumbled across it – but wow. It’s beautiful. And when I finally let go of the day, and lie down, and put that song on, I feel sad, lonely, vulnerable, but okay with all that. that song feels like some sort of comfort blanket. I can curl up alone and be sad and drift off to sleep. I don’t even know if sad is the right word, but after most days of being active, working, being positive, proactive.. just for those 5 mins before sleep I let my guard down and all the less positive thoughts swim around – not in a hateful way, but just allowing myself a little emotion, a little sadness. Because it can be sad, and lonely, when you’re alone. Even when most of the time you’re kicking ass and rocking it (like S Betty says!!)


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It’s taken two months, but tonight my ‘word of the year’ (taken from Anne) came to me.. ‘breathe.’

I say it to myself a lot. I sing songs about breathing when I need to take a deep breath, slow down, and see the bigger picture.

Perhaps it’s a mantra for my life, past, present & future – but right now, giving it this special status… will hopefully mean I remember it more..

Pretty crazy too weeks. Exploring, scuba diving, met a guy (tho nothing happened, and it’s opened a massive floodgate and I’m deciding whether to put the barriers up or not…) new tattoo… Work had been non-stop since I’ve got back. I have my first band practice in years tomorrow. So nervous, but it’s what I want.. so got to suck up the lack of confidence… I’ve also not binge ate since before Xmas, and lost some weight (whilst still eating chocolate and ice cream… it’s the binging that piles it on…) – feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

Sat on a wall, overlooking the harbour. With a stiff neck cause I did a really dumb thing in yoga. Doh. Love to my soberistas. Need to catch up. But right now I just need to sit.

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And breathe…

Wow. Today was really tough. I’m not sure what to write, or how to start because it isn’t like some rock bottom moment and then triumphant win.. But the want to drink today was SO strong. Okay, I’ve had that before. But the voices in my head thinking ‘well maybe…’ haven’t been like this for a LONG TIME. (though who knows what that really means.. my sense of time is so skewed… but feels like it)

And then I reached out to people. Not the usual two I normally would but a few others, and was blunt ‘I really miss drinking today’ and then I got mad at myself – wtf am I doing messaging these people things like this. I felt stupid, ashamed, mad at myself. But, little messages came back ‘hey, here if you need me,  What’s up, want to talk? You got this! You’re strong. Etc. Super lovely things. And I came up with this little analogy.

That right now, in life.. I feel okay, walking along, not bouncing, not dragging.. but okay.. then suddenly I fall into a really dark hole. No idea it was there, or why. And I want to climb out alone, because I’ve been around long enough and I’m strong enough to climb out… but then sometimes I shout out to people, ‘help! FUCK HELP!’ and then I get mad at myself because I’m thinking ‘dude you got this. It’s not that big, why you shaming yourself!?’  But really that’s silly. It’s okay to shout out and get a hand up, some words of encouragement. And today I kinda scared myself, and that’s why I guess I did shout. In a sense at no one in particular – I guess not the usual ones because perhaps part of me thought the others might not reply, or be like ‘it’s cool, have a drink.’

But, I didn’t, and I no longer want one. After work (which was pretty crazy today) I went for a short run, then I went to a local gig, and I don’t think I wanted to drink. My eye is fucked though. Bouncing away, twisting. I videoed my eye on the way home because I was so sure you could see it moving.. but, thankfully, you can’t. Just me. I really hope it goes with some sleep, cause it hasn’t been this bad for a years. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s linked to all the emotional stuff going on at the moment. My family cat died this week. Not the one I left in London, but a much older one my brother took with him. I spoke to my niece, she was crying down the hone to me saying the saddest things. And my brother. Oh my poor brother. He was his companion of 14 years and it breaks my heart to think of his sadness, and how I can’t do anything, and how far away I am. I’m supposed to be away next week.. actually, I will be away next week – but there is a bad storm warning which might change all my plans.. to being sat in a bnb in a ferry port, and today I was so scared of that… thinking how would I stop myself from drinking, because I would get depressed. I’m still a little scared.. but also a little more optimistic that I can maybe just sleep and read and hope for the best that I Will be able to get to the island..

This may not make any sense, but I just needed to update, even myself. To recognise it’s okay. I don’t feel great. But that’s okay – I can keep walking again.. but I was a little scared. I used to be a high functioning drunk, and now I worry if I just have one night, that will lead to two nights.. everything will fall apart.

I need to catch up on everyone’s posts – I can see a few, but right now I must sleep. xxx

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