The last few months have been insane for me. Leaving work, weddings, intense teaching training course (which lead to binge eating/gaining weight/losing sleep).. but most of all, I have been dealing with, with my therapist, events from my childhood (shock! 😉 ) which it turns out have shaped my life, my personality, my anxiety, my depression, my defensiveness, my fear of abandonment, my fierce independence, amongst other things. I may have mentioned this before. I have no doubt that alcohol addiction also stemmed from this. (I wasn’t abused – just thought I’d say) and I don’t really want to talk about it generally, which is normal I suppose, but its HUGE. Blew my world apart. Which is good, because now I am starting to understand myself. Starting to work out who I really am, and what is a result of trauma and experience and trying to cope. I FINALLY feel I can move forward and realise why, despite feeling so depressed and so manic, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety disorders – even though I clearly suffer badly (or have) from both. To the point of them crippling my life. HUGELY. It now makes sense, that THAT wasn’t what I needed to address. But it’s fucking hard.
And the trouble is, because I don’t want to talk about it AT ALL with most people, I am trying to put on a brave face, where as I’m actually finding day to day texting, communications, planning, etc, really really difficult. I only linked the two yesterday! All the above (job, course, packing to move to another country) would be stressful and emotional anyway, but opening this Pandoras box that really involves many of the people I care about most in the world, on top of this – wow. It’s hard going. And so I kept trying to say ‘oh I’m stressed cause of the course’ but now I realise it’s not that. It’s because I am re-living trauma, which I need to do, and want to do, but should also be coupled with giving myself time and space. Both of which are severely lacking.
I hope with the realisation that it isn’t the day to day stresses that are making me want to hide from my friends, or being overly sensitive or defensive, that I can address it better. And perhaps be more sensitive for my need just to be alone. IN a sense it’s good timing. Clearing out my room, throwing away (or to charity shops) much of my stuff. Very therapeutic. I don’t know how upfront I will be about this, but at least I don’t feel crazy and as if I’m going backwards, which is how I was feeling. I was at my brothers last week in France and had my phone off completely for 3 days. It was bliss not having to respond to people, think about the outside world, worry if my responses were read the right way, give advice, should I give advice, or feel guilt for not participating in group conversations which largely revolve around booze, hangovers or gossip. None of which interest me and make me feel very lonely and excluded. I’d rather not be in these groups, but then I feel like I”m being the odd one out. But I kinda always have been, and in a way am okay with that. I don’t want to change me. It’s only when I am true to me that I feel content.
Anyway, I turned it back on and felt panicky. A bad friend, overwhelmed, etc, etc.
I just needed to get this out. I cried all last night. I cried for an hour in therapy today. I feel so fragile. I have my mates wedding tomorrow. I was hoping to be all bubbly today to help with any last minute things, and though I feel like a terrible friend, others will be doing that and I need to look after myself… And be happy tomorrow. I’ll have no problem putting on a show of happiness and excitement (as I did at the Hen do) but I hope for more, to be present and genuinely able to enjoy the day, of two wonderful wonderful people committing to each other.
Even in comparison to my drinking and my terrible relationship, both of which I covered/hid (of course to myself as well) I feel like this is my biggest cover up. But it needs to be that way. I do have support, but it’s very private and something most people cannot relate to – in fact will have opinions on which only make me feel more misunderstood and isolated. So it has to be this way. But there is so much power in self knowledge. And with that I will move forward.
Thank you. I know it’s not drink related. HA! In fact it is. Of course it is! It all is. Going to the root of what made me feel the need to drink and learn obsessive behaviours from a young age? It’s one and the same.
I am hurting so much right now. But I also feel positive. In that super scary but determined way. So, it’s a little odd. Because I am okay, but I’m also fighting to hold myself together. Ahh humans, we are such a complicated bunch.
Love, peace & solidarity my soberistas & sobermisters! x