This morning I broke the work cafeteirre, my computer and me. Ha. I just feel so heavy and everything is so serious. I’ve been cancelled on twice this week – by the same person. I know she’s having a tough time so I’ll let it slide but I really could have done with human contact and life is me being shit and stressed at work. I HATE work me. My boss swans around laughing and smiling doing fuck all whilst the rest of us (so few doing two -three people’s jobs) are trying so hard but the more I feel I’m drowning the shitter I am at concentrating or actually working and I’m snappy and crap and I hate being this me. Hate it hate it.
And I’m lonely. And I’m bored. Everything is so serious. Facebook is just everyone ranting. I remember it used to make me laugh. My whatsapp chats – used to be dumb pictures – how everyone is so stressed. Stressed stressed stressed. A stupid umbrella word.
I’m trying to fill the hole where people and laughter should be with cereal. Late night cereal. And being utterly addicted to Facebook and IG. So I deactivated FB – it won’t be for long – events, overseas mates, but even a week might help my mind a little. Took IG off my phone.
I feel so full of stuff. I feel hungover from being on my phone. From eating too much cereal. I’m so bored. I want laughter, chat, fun. Life is work crap and being alone. I’m trying. It will pass I know. I just need to write this out somewhere and I don’t want to reach out to my real life friends. They can’t ‘fix’ this.
I’m seeing my niece and nephew this weekend and hope that takes me out of this for a while. I’m sure cartwheels and Dino chat will help.
I think I need space but I’m also so lonely. Oh to be human. I can’t remember what it’s like to curl up with someone. To have butterflies. To even really be properly hugged.
But I’ll hold on.
Also – got totally addicted (shocking) to 13 reasons why on Netflix. Should a 34 year old relate so much? I guess people is people and emotions are emotions. A couple of scenes were just SO incredibly powerful and raw. Painfully so.