Pressure cooker

Is how I’m feeling right about now. I spent some of last week in the West Bank (Occupied Territories of Palestine.) It wasn’t a holiday as such, but more a personal research trip, I suppose. Before I left for the trip I already felt like I was going to explode. Men, (man I suppose), work, people. Life. All the usual shit.

Now I feel utterly broken. And angry. I arrived back last night, after a couple of days in Tel Aviv. A friend lives there, so it was great to see her, but in all honesty I felt so uncomfortable being in Israel, and being a polite guest just kept quiet and had all the thoughts & experiences from the last few days just go round and round in my head. Or try to shelve them.

I don’t even know what to write in this post. I don’t want to write about my trip. I will do, in detail, on my travel/human rights blog, but right now, I’m sat, in the dark, with a tear stained face (not enough tears – my god, I want to cry so much and let it all out) drink a becks blue (NA beer.) I’m so angry. At the world. At everything in the world. I’m angry at always having to defend myself, or prove myself depending on who I’m with. Too posh, too lefty, too FEMALE, too vegan, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I had the most amazing therapy session this morning. Thank fuck. It meant I was ALMOST (not quite) functioning at work today. I told them I was leaving just before I left for the trip, so I came in to some really nice emails. But I don’t feel I deserve them. I guess that’s what came out in my therapy session. Just how hard I find it to believe that people love more, more so.. like me.

I’ve put on weight again and feel unhappy in my skin. AGAIN. I knew it was coming. A lot of obsessive eating the last two months, but was hoping to get away with it because of how active I am. Nope. I have the weight of the fucking world on my shoulders and I just don’t want to be around anyone – which of course draws people in!? This will pass. Will all pass. But it feels like it won’t. Like this is the one time I’ve gone too far. I tried to cry on the plane on the way home – watched Moonlight & Manchester by the sea. They both just made me angrier with the injustices of the world. I should eat. Even though I want to starve myself of food and get wasted, I shall do neither of these things. I shall eat. I shall not drink.

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About MilesAwayGrrrl

32 year old just trying to work on how to move on without alcohol, for a little while at least.. It's been 19 years since I thought it became my crutch, where as really it's been crippling me.
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4 Responses to Pressure cooker

  1. ainsobriety says:

    I’m sorry. That must have been a tough trip. I have never been anywhere like that.
    Take care. Allow the therapy to sink in. Cry and then maybe find a movie or book you love that reaffirms people are truly ok.
    Stay away from the scale for a bit. Until you feel steadier.

    Hug hug hug

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Anne. I ended up talking to my Mum that evening. She was so interested and being able to get out some of the emotions and have her respond in the way she did was just, I want to use the word magical, though seems a little strange. Even though it’s been a tough week, couple of weeks – there is this underlying it will be okay, that I never had before. Not acting out. And genuinely knowing that actually time is needed after big emotional events and giving myself the space for it. xx

      Like

  2. Laters Lush says:

    I think life is a pretty tough journey of trying to understand yourself, trying to understand why others behave the way they do, and why there is so much evil in the world. That’s challenging because you have no control on those millions of minds out there that do so many things most of us find it emotionally difficult to connect with. What you can control though is how you feel about yourself and you need to start finding a way to love yourself. That’s not easy and I dip in and out of that feeling a lot, but I can tell you, when I am being kind on myself EVERYTHING feels better. You are more wonderful than you give yourself credit for – try and start feeling love towards yourself and it will get easier. Hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you!! Made me laugh about the lack of control over the millions!! Hehe ‘but I want rock tell it all! Mwahahaha..’

      You are so right – everything does feel better being kinder! Even though it wasn’t that long ago I can’t believe how nasty I was every day. Every day! And I know some of my friends (and so much of society…) are so nasty about themselves too. And it’s so sad. Life is and can be so beautiful. And fun! X

      Liked by 1 person

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