Is how I’m feeling right about now. I spent some of last week in the West Bank (Occupied Territories of Palestine.) It wasn’t a holiday as such, but more a personal research trip, I suppose. Before I left for the trip I already felt like I was going to explode. Men, (man I suppose), work, people. Life. All the usual shit.
Now I feel utterly broken. And angry. I arrived back last night, after a couple of days in Tel Aviv. A friend lives there, so it was great to see her, but in all honesty I felt so uncomfortable being in Israel, and being a polite guest just kept quiet and had all the thoughts & experiences from the last few days just go round and round in my head. Or try to shelve them.
I don’t even know what to write in this post. I don’t want to write about my trip. I will do, in detail, on my travel/human rights blog, but right now, I’m sat, in the dark, with a tear stained face (not enough tears – my god, I want to cry so much and let it all out) drink a becks blue (NA beer.) I’m so angry. At the world. At everything in the world. I’m angry at always having to defend myself, or prove myself depending on who I’m with. Too posh, too lefty, too FEMALE, too vegan, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I had the most amazing therapy session this morning. Thank fuck. It meant I was ALMOST (not quite) functioning at work today. I told them I was leaving just before I left for the trip, so I came in to some really nice emails. But I don’t feel I deserve them. I guess that’s what came out in my therapy session. Just how hard I find it to believe that people love more, more so.. like me.
I’ve put on weight again and feel unhappy in my skin. AGAIN. I knew it was coming. A lot of obsessive eating the last two months, but was hoping to get away with it because of how active I am. Nope. I have the weight of the fucking world on my shoulders and I just don’t want to be around anyone – which of course draws people in!? This will pass. Will all pass. But it feels like it won’t. Like this is the one time I’ve gone too far. I tried to cry on the plane on the way home – watched Moonlight & Manchester by the sea. They both just made me angrier with the injustices of the world. I should eat. Even though I want to starve myself of food and get wasted, I shall do neither of these things. I shall eat. I shall not drink.