Sometimes it doesn’t matter how far you walk you’ll never find what you are looking for. No matter how much you eat you will never fill that emptiness. No matter how far you travel, how much you see, how much you open your eyes, your heart. It still isn’t enough. No matter how much you drink, how much you think, how long you stay, how far you go… It’s there. You do yoga and you want to scream because it’s just bubbling inside. You try to outrun it but you can’t go fast enough. You sit by a bridge, alone, in a foreign country, hoping that writing might sooth you. Maybe some tears. Or maybe just keep walking.
And I go on... 
I wish I could be there to give you a hug. You have already come so far. Try not to forget that….
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Thanks Ann. I do know I have, even though sometimes I do forget!! And writing that did help! Was wondering around the city I’m in – looking for something. Then realised I couldn’t find ‘it’ (did I want food? A drink? Etc) and sat and wrote!!
Been doing so much thinking in relation to my last post and AA and what’s in my control and what I want, etc… And how powerless is the last thing I feel, since I realised how powerless I did feel. (Does that make sense? Getting back my agency… I think that’s the right word!!)
And within all that I’ve been thinking how much support you, and my other online sober friends have given me. Especially in the first 6 months – and how I wouldn’t change how I did this at all. X
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Fall is a funny time of year.
I also feel a bit lost. Like I’m supposed to be somewhere or doing something and I’m trying to catch up…but I’m not sure to what.
Your post made me realize it isn’t an unusual feeling.
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Definitely. The changing of the seasons, especially this one – such a mood changer. The leaves falling, the chill in the air, the darker days… Hugs from across the pond xx
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I understand.
I was driving to my volunteer job, and it’s gray and cold here in Minnesota.
I just felt off…and coffee not helping.
Wasn’t hungry.
When I got home I turned on all the lights.
That helped!
It is interesting how we think we haven’t made progress, and yet other people can see it when we can’t.
xo
Wendy
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Thanks Wendy. It’s so true. When I think ‘how am I here again? how do I feel like this ‘STILL” and realise I left ‘here’ a long time ago.. I’m just human, and wow – when I thought about the trip I made a year ago to Lisbon. I managed to have a good time, but I was wracked with anxiety and fought so hard to keep that down.
And about just turning on the lights, it’s amazing how such a small thing makes a difference. The two that get me most is how just having a cup of tea, or getting outside and breathing in fresh air help. Instant mood calmers! And I still doubt myself every time ‘maybe I should go for a stupid walk..’ 😉
Thank you xxx
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